My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
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