Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize