woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I enjoy the company of your penis
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