when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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