the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
