i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Randomize
