I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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