its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
