When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
