I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
