he puts the penis in happiness.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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