I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
