I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You can't just leave with hair like that
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
