I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Randomize
