Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
