Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
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