Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
