i think my tv is drunk
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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