i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
