having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Let's get the cat blown out
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
