I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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