Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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