Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
