Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
