Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
