ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
