dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
