Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Randomize
