my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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