john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
