i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
