I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
