Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
