Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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