so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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