I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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