If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
