I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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