Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
