I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
