captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
