I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
