after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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