you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
