Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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