If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
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