I didn't shave. On purpose
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize
