You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
