Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
