I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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