mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
