so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
