I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
