DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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