Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
