She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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