I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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