This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
