It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
