so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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