you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize