I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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