It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
