I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Randomize
