Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize